A Case of Unexpected Breasts
by typebee
Summary: "What the hell, Sirius?" The tawny haired boy groaned, "How the bloody hell did you manage to..." "Become a woman?" Sirius supplied, slowly regaining a natural breathing pattern. "I dunno mate, but I think you'd better look in the mirror." - In which rather problematic events ensue, after a case of unexpected breasts. Main pairing RL/SB.


**A Case of Unexpected Breasts**

**A warning : this has a fair few curses in it, so be forewarned. Also, it has some slashy themes, so if that's not your thing, then clear out.**

**I'm not sure whether I actually want to progress with this, (I know, I say that about every fanfic I write), so think of it as a... prologue, I suppose.**

* * *

The first sign that something was horribly, and atrociously wrong, came in the form of the highest pitched scream Remus Lupin had ever heard in his life, and this was coming from a boy who (very painfully) turned into a werewolf each month. It was early morning when it started, shrill and ethereal, resonating from the sixth year boy's bathroom. It was so loud, indeed, that the sound traveled through the closed bathroom door, and woke up Remus from his deep slumber.

Remus glanced briefly at the old watch on his wrist, _6:07 am, _and swung his feet out of his blankets and onto he ground in one motion. He wasn't exactly worried, or surprised, even. You see, this sort of thing happened ever too often in the Marauder's dormitory, it was just a given. However, Remus still felt obligated to find out what in Merlin's name was going on. (And to possibly check whether anyone was _too_ seriously injured.)

Groaning at the cold of the floor, Remus wrapped a blanket around his shoulders for warmth, and shuffled with it across the floor, until he stood in front of the bathroom door. The screaming had stopped, but started again after barely a moment's pause for breath, and Remus was finally able to distinguish the perpetrator as Sirius.

"Sirius?" he called, rapping his knuckles against the wood of the door, loud enough to be audible over the abominable shrieking. Remus dismissed the slightly higher tone of his own voice to having just woken up, and knocked again when there was no incompetent reply. "Pads, you okay? Are you in _pain?_"

Abruptly, the door opened, and Remus stumbled back, having found himself nose to nose with a distressed looking Sirius.

_Except..._

It _wasn't _Sirius.

It couldn't be.

...

But it was, of course.

The all-too-obvious fact was... Sirius Black was a girl.

Every trace of masculine feature had been erased, leaving a busty, and _highly_ attractive girl. It was undoubtedly Remus' doggish friend, the same grey eyes were there, though more feminine, and the lashes were longer. The hair was the same, but reaching his ribs now, and parted even further to the side, the fringe longer. The features were the same, relatively, but softer, less angular.

It was extremely disconcerting.

"Moony?" Sirius cried in distress, "Remus, what's happening, is this a dream?"

And, of course, his voice was higher. Remus winced, the shrill pitch of Sirius' voice cutting through his brain like a knife.

Before Remus could even _think _of replying, Sirius' face had gone even paler, as his eyes roved across Remus' body, lingering at his chest for a second longer.

"What the hell, Sirius?" The tawny haired boy groaned, "How the _bloody _hell did you manage to..."

"Become a woman?" Sirius supplied, slowly regaining a natural breathing pattern. "I dunno mate, but I think you'd better look in the mirror."

Remus rolled his eyes, thinking Sirius was commenting about his insufferable bed-head. Brushing past the freshly turned girl lounging against the doorframe, he went to stand in front of the full length mirror which Sirius had hung up in their first year. Ever the narcissist, was Sirius Black.

And then Remus saw himself in the mirror, saw the girlish, sleepy eyes, the curvy figure, the pink and _very _full lips, and most of all, the hair, which was down to his shoulders now, and curled at the ends. Almost immediately, Remus became extremely hysterical. The strange phenomenon which had, with Sirius, been a joke, if even a tiresome one, became very _very _serious indeed.

In fact, his subconscious deemed it so serious, that he turned very pale, and promptly fainted, crumpling backwards without a word. Thankfully, Sirius_-ette _was there in time to catch him, and of course, he _didn't_ take the opportunity to appreciate how nice Remus felt in his arms. Not at all.

…

10 minutes later, after Sirius had tried many more than one method to wake the up the girl who was now out cold, Remus jerked awake after a particularly vicious slap to the face. he gave a little squeal, and sat up on the bathroom floor. Sirius shouted in thanks, to whichever God that woke up passed out werewolves.

"Ow! _Merlin, _Sirius!" he cried, hand now clutching his cheek, which was bright red, and smarting something awful.

"Sorry," Sirius replied, actually seeming genuine for once, "I was trying to wake you up, after you, you know... _fainted._"

Remus groaned, still feeling light headed. he rolled his head around, stretching his neck, before catching sight, once again, of the pretty, amber eyed girl in the mirror.

All at once, it all came back. He was a _girl._

"What the _fuck _did you do, Sirius?" he cried, his voice breaking with hysteria. "Fuck, fuck. _Fuck, _Black!"

Her own gender-bend forgotten, Sirius watched his friend's panicked hand gestures, and the dirty words that otherwise would never appear out of his mouth. He was _very _much enjoying this, apparent by the grin that stretched his face.

"I have boobs," Remus wailed, clutching his chest underneath his (thankfully baggy,) pyjama shirt, and feeling around, just to make sure. Sirius smirked.

"Mate, can you try not to feel yourself up in front of me?" he said. Except, Sirius was unaccustomed to his new voice, and what he had intended to sound dismissive, came out rather chirpy. He cleared his throat awkwardly, grinning.

Remus turned a dark shade of crimson, hands whipping out from under his shirt in less than a second.

"How are you not freaking out?" Remus said, staring incredulously at the almost bored look on Sirius' face.

Sirius stared.

"Well, I _did _wake you up with my screaming, didn't I?" Sirius said matter-o-factly, "I thinks there's been enough _freaking out _on my end, don't you?"

Remus groaned, falling onto his back again, trying to think of any possible explanation that would count for why he he gone to bed as a boy, and woken up as a girl. As it would be expected, nothing came to mind, but the theory that it had been a very _un-_humorous prank.

"Moony, sit up please," Sirius suddenly said, as if he were trying not to choke on his own saliva. "I can see your tits through your shirt."

"_Fuck!_" Remus squealed, jerking upright, and planting his arms firmly over his chest.

They both sat in awkward silence for a few seconds, Remus cross-legged and blushing, Sirius kneeling in front of him, and trying to halt his wandering eyes. Suddenly, Remus snorted loudly, and collapsed into a fit of hysterical giggles.

With hardly a second's pause, Sirius started to laugh too, and soon the two couldn't seem to stop. Remus didn't very much like having breasts, and Sirius would much prefer Remus with... _male parts, _if he were to be completely honest. Well, it's not like he had _seen _them, but it was more the _prospect_ of Remus having male parts that he was attracted to. Well, not that he wasn't attracted to Remus as a girl, but...

Oh, Merlin.

"You don't suppose it was James, then?" Remus said suddenly, interrupting Sirius's very confusing train of thought.

"If it was," Sirius replied, "I'll turn into Padfoot, and rip his bloody throat out, and hang it off McGonagall's pointy hat."

"Violent."

"Mhm," Sirius responded absently.

Each was studying the other intently, looking for the things they secretly adored, and finding them... changed. Of course, they were still the same... but they weren't. It's a hard thing to explain, unless you've _actually _seen your best friend suffer from a sudden and unexpected case of genderbend. It's rather unexplainable, really.

Remus coughed.

"So. Let's find Prongs."

…

After five minutes of unsuccessful attempts to wake up James, Remus was positively fed up, for two main reasons.

Because James slept like a pig on days where he needn't get up for Quidditch training,

and 2. Because James was _also _no longer a male.

In essence, they had no idea of how to turn male again, which was relatively problematic, and James was still sleeping, the bloody sloth.

"That's it," Sirius growled, his hair uncharacteristically static, "the water is coming out _now._"

Remus gasped dramatically. It was a pact made in their second year, that they would never resort to using water to waking each other up, as it had started a great deal of brawls, most of which ended messily. To be using it now was the most clear inclination of how ruffled Sirius really was because from suddenly and without warning spouting a pair of breasts.

"Aguamenti," he said, almost gravely, his wand pointed at James' unprotected face. The strength of the spell hit the sleeping boy with a rather loud splash. James woke up almost immediately, his face red with annoyance.

Remus and Sirius each took a few strategic steps backwards.

"_You absolute and utter WANKERS, I'll KILL you motherfuckers!_" James cried out, whilst the other two boys, (girls), watched in half-amusement, half-fear. James really could go off his nutter when he was unceremoniously woken from sleep by a stream of freezing cold water.

All of a sudden, James' screaming quietened, as he looked down at his shirtless body, which _had_ seemed a hell of a lot heavier than usual. Remus and Sirius followed his line of sight, before collapsing into peals of hopeless and uncontrollable laughter, for their four eyed friend was flashing his newly acquired breasts for all the world to see. At least, all the horny sixth year boys who happened to be awake early on Saturday mornings. Which was Sirius Black, who did _not _have a thing for James Potter, luckily.

As Remus and Sirius clutched onto each other for support, James' eyes seemed transfixed on his breasts, before ripping he bedsheets up his torso with venom.

"If you did this..." he started, before really _looking _at his laughing friends, and seeing the decidedly feminine features which they now sported, too.

"Oi you lot, shut it," he called tiredly. If he were to be completely honest, he wasn't particularly surprised anymore, when unexpected and seemingly impossible things happened to him. Once he had gotten over the initial shock, his thoughts were more like, _'I'm a woman now. Of course, why not?'_

"Moony," he exclaimed, "you are _hot _as a girl."

He gave his feminine friend an appreciative one over, during and after which Remus blushed uncontrollably, somehow managing to look both embarrassed and unamused simultaneously, whilst Sirius furrowed his eyebrows in annoyance.

"I'm not sure whether to be flattered or offended," Remus snorted.

"Don't worry, Moonshine," Sirius grinned, never missing an opportunity to have a flirt, "You look _much _sexier as a bloke."

Almost instantly, Remus' face flared up again, to which Sirius threw back his head and laughed. Embarrassing Remus was his favourite sport.

"Not to ruin the 'moment'," James said, eyebrows raised, "but if we're going to figure out how to reverse this, we probably need to go to Pomfrey."

"Aye aye, Prongs."

"Wait just a second," Remus suddenly interrupted, a grave thought entering into his mind, "if we're going through the hallways... well, seeing as you can see girl's breasts through their shirts..."

James and Sirius were looking at him expectantly. They could either take this news by screaming in horror and indignation, followed by jumping out the dorm window, or by actually... looking forward to wearing a women's bra. Remus wasn't quite sure which would be less distressing.

"Spit it out, man," James finally said, impatiently.

"Thing is, we'll probably have to put on... _bras, _before we go out," Remus said carefully.

Silence ensued for about two and a half minutes, during which the two boy's facial expressions ranged from horror, to amusement, to interest, to fear.

"Holy bleeding _fuck,_" Sirius whispered, and Remus silently agreed.

* * *

**If you liked it, that's fantastic. If not, that's great too. **


End file.
